Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
