i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
