I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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