Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
