I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
