I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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