u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
