I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
