Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Randomize
