I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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