I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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