yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
