shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
