I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize