i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
