i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
