woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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