my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
