Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
