U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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