She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
