I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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