i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
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That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
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My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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