Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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