I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
