We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
