I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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