I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
