theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
