can we get nightvision for the apartment?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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