I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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