sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
