I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
