Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
