We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
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She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
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Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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