So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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