Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
