i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
