Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
