apparently the secret to your success is patron
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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