dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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