I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
