Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
