Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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