You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I love having hate sex.
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Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
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The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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