dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
