Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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