I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
