if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
