Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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