so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
