He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
