Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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