Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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