chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
