I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize