he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
