Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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