I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
All the doctor said was why
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize