are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
